For Convenience

After I found out that I was seven weeks pregnant, I wanted an abortion. I was embarrassed to start college carrying an illegitimate child. I remembered thinking that I didn’t want to be a “statistic”. My boyfriend wanted to get married but I just rolled my eyes and changed the subject. He gave me his half of the money needed for the procedure and asked me to give him a receipt. I was angry and told him to leave saying, “I’m going to kill someone tomorrow and you want a receipt?” That proves to me that I was fully aware of what I was doing.

Before I left for the clinic, I sat on the bed thinking about nothing. I just sat there. I don’t know if it was God or I was having second thoughts. At the clinic, I received no Pro-Life information, it was as if I was going there to have a tumor removed. Because I had only had sex once, I was resistant to the vaginal exam required before the procedure. I remembered that the surgeon and the anesthesiologist were kind to me and held my hand. My mother paid for the general anesthsia. It was my birthday present because my mother didn’t have much money. After the abortion I smiled at the anesthesiologist but he just looked away from me. I think it was then that the impact of what I had done hit me.

I had the abortion on or near my birthday and for many years I would’t celebrate my birthday and I’d be depressed. It was many years before I had sex again or let another man get close to me. Still, I considered myself to be “Pro-choice” so I wouldn’t feel bad about the evil I had done. As a RN, I occassionally worked in a clinic where I would assist in the abortion procedure. I began to rely on alcohol and partying with my friends more and more. After my friends went on with their lives, I drank alone. I’ve never been able to maintain a relationship for more than three months.

I know that I was forgiven, by God, when I was washed in baptism but I have never been able to forgive myself. I always feel sad when I see a woman with her child and often think of my child. I just always think of him as a boy and what he would have been doing as a young man of twenty-three years. I haven’t had a drink in three years through AA and a recovery program. I am speaking about this because I don’t want others to make the same mistakes I’ve made. The most important thing about abortion that I think people need to know is the finality of it. Once the abortion has actually taken place, you have to live with the regret of having stolen someone’s life from them.

-by Sue